As a woman in Alabama, I have grown accustomed to being in a room full of men for business meetings. I also see more women leaders, which is encouraging for the future. For now, however, it is normal for it to be the dudes and me talking about insurance or property or (fill in the blank). I don’t usually think too much about being the only woman there, until recently. I had a meeting with the dudes to talk about “something” (need to keep in vague on purpose). I did the normal retrieving of coffee and/or water, as a hostess may choose to do. The meeting was had. I was excited about the possibilities because this person clearly understood what we were looking for in “something”. I walked the expert of “something” out of the building. After the meeting there was some follow-up and cell numbers exchanged to continue to do follow-up. In the exchange, there was a comment about getting a drink. Not a problem for me, as I do have business meetings that may involve a drink; however, this became different. I said no, as I had other plans. The person began to question where we were going and who would be there. I made sure it was clear that I was married and he made it clear he was married as well. Okay, cool. That’s clear.

After getting home and watching Law and Order (my normal Friday night), I start to drift off to sleep. Text comes in at 10:15pm. “Hello”. It is the expert in “something”. I rolled my eyes and go to sleep. The next morning, I see the text that came in after the initial text: “How’s the party?”.

For me, a journey of thoughts began. I am now in an awful position. This man, friend of someone involved in my work, clearly has different motivations. He didn’t say anything offensive, but you do not know me well enough to text me after-hours about something not about business.

After an additional eye roll (insert Liz Lemon gif here) and a touch of shock, I started with beating myself up: I was too friendly; I shouldn’t have given my business cell phone; I shouldn’t have talked about alcohol. As a survivor of sexual violence, these “would of, could of, should of”s are all too familiar.

I talked to a number of people associated with my work and my personal life to gain perspective, all of whom- men and women- agreed that it was inappropriate.  I was able to cool the jets on the business side of things due to some true “have to”s  in my work. Any communication was handled by e-mail and people were cc’ed on the correspondence. It was clear that my wall was up. I struggled with thinking I should downplay my feelings in order to move forward with business. I struggled because this person was brought forward by a friend, who I do not want to disappoint. I struggled because as an organization, we do not condone that behavior. I struggled because it made me struggle emotionally.

I was finally able to finally tell the friend of the expert, he was kind and understanding. The only criticism is that I did not come to him sooner. Valid. Received. A weight was lifted…until this week. There was communication between the friend and the expert and the expert told the friend he was going to “send him some things”. What does that mean? A. If it’s business stuff, we are not interested. B. If it is stuff about me, there is nothing damming from my interactions…so are you going to make stuff up?

So here I am, struggling again. While in high school, I was viewed as a person with a good reputation, but that changed quickly because of one person. I have fought my whole life to find my voice and help others find theirs. Now, here I am…a person with a good reputation that I now fear is in jeopardy all because of one person.

My blog is about social justice issues. In this situation, the root issue is being a woman. As a woman, do I have to be different? I know this happens to men as well, so I want to keep this in mind; however, this seems to be a constant thought in my life. I put the question on social media and asked if people felt comfortable sharing their business cells. All the men- yep. Women, on the other hand, had a varied response. One of my guy friends that I had not talked to about the situation said, “…As a 43 year old father of 3, I’m not worried about a dirty old man calling me to flirt at 10pm (winky emoji)”. EXACTLY.

This also speaks to the root causes of violence. It is Sexual Assault Awareness/Activism Month (SAAM), so this is on my mind- but to be honest with you, when is it not on my mind? Listen to Courtney Barnett’s “Nameless Faceless”. Watch the HBO Documentary “I AM EVIDENCE”. Walk to your car at any time of the day or night (insert SNL’s “Welcome to Hell”). Seriously, there isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about my safety and well-being because I am a woman. In “I AM EVIDENCE”, they explore the reason for the horrendous backlog of SAFE (Sexual Assault Forensic Exam) kits in America and the DA of Detroit explained that it is evident it began and continued because “No one gives a damn about women in this country.” It was easy to dismiss over 200,000 (and counting) kits across this country, most of them women, because she “must have done something to cause this”. Instead of initially blaming the expert of “something” for making me uncomfortable, I took on the blame. I didn’t push back during the conversation because I felt like he was in a position of power. Now, when I have done the ethical and difficult thing, it is still not over.

The national theme for SAAM this month is Embrace Your Voice. Our motto for SAAM where I work is “If it isn’t a hell yes, then it is a hell no!” Well, this is a hell no, y’all. I embraced my voice and have no regrets.

 

“What’s NOT teal?!